Paul Cooijmans's The Test to End All Tests

Published online with permission from the author
Maintained by Darryl Miyaguchi

Revision History:

                   THE TEST TO END ALL TESTS
                        PAUL  COOIJMANS
                        De Wolwever 39
                        5737 AD Lieshout
                          Netherlands

                    ALSO AVAILABLE IN DUTCH

     These problems may be taken as a parody on the type of
analogies appearing in many IQ-tests.  They may entertain you,
but will also require some knowledge, persistence and under-
standing of what is going on.  When attempting this test, you
may use reference aids (including time machines) but not con-
sult other persons.  There is no time limit.  When you feel
you won't find any more answers, send your solutions with US
$5 scoring fee (cash) to the address on top of this page.
Please mention your name, age, sex and scores on previously
taken tests, including the names of the tests.  Within two
weeks you will receive a score report, containing the number
of problems solved correctly.

     After norming, you will receive a new report indicating
how you did compared to other candidates and estimating gener-
al population IQ's and percentiles.  With a score at or above
the 99.9999999th percentile you will be eligible for member-
ship in The Giga Society, that has only one member so far.
Membership in other societies with lower cutoff scores will
also be possible.

     These analogies have unique solutions; even the ones that
seem unsolvable have clear and sometimes crushing answers.
Strict reasoning will give direct insight into a bloodcurdling
future.

     An example: to the analogy  CAUSE A FUSS :(is to) KICK
UP ::(as) SPASMODIC CONTRACTION OF THE DIAPHRAGM :(is to) ?
the best answer would be HICCUP.

 1  WONDERBRA : HERZIGOVA :: HEELS SO HIGH SHE CRASHED DOWN
    ON CATWALK : ?
 2  RIPPER : JACK :: IMPALER : ?
 3  REINCARNATE AS CAMILLA'S PANTIES IN SPITE DI : CHARLES
    :: SKATE 200 KM ELFSTEDENTOCHT AND FINISH NY MARATHON IN
    SPITE OVERWEIGHT : ?
 4  PORN ACTOR IN SPITE PUDENDUM CUT OFF : BOBBIT :: COMPOSER
    IN SPITE DEAF : ?
 5  MODEL IN SPITE SIZE 40+ : SOPHIE :: AUTHOR OF THE SICK IN
    SPITE SHOT DOWN IN '40 : ?
 6  CHARM CLAUDIA : DAVID COPPERFIELD :: ADORE DORA : ?
 7  GIRL POWER : SPICE GIRL :: BARF OUT - GAG ME WITH A SPOON
    - GROSS : ?
 8  SHOW LEG GETTING OUT OF CAR : DI :: SHOW LEG RIDING THROUGH
    MARKET PLACE : ?
 9  ACRONYM : ACROSTICHON :: NYLON : ?
10  MT ST HELENS : ERUPTION :: EDWARD VAN HALEN : ?
11  CONCEIVED 'GLASNOST' AND CHANGED THE WORLD - BUT DRUNK
    UNDER THE TABLE BY JELTSIN : GORBACHEV :: WROTE SYMPHONY
    AT 18 AND SHOOK THE WORLD - BUT STRUCK A DISCORD WITH STA-
    LIN : ?
12  COULDN'T FLY WITH MOLTEN WINGS : ICARUS :: PLAYED IN SPITE
    BROKEN STRINGS : ?
13  PREHISTORIC INSTRUMENTS AND SOUND OF THE PALEOLITHIC :
    WALTER MAIOLI :: INSTRUMENTS FOR CHILDREN AND MEDIEVAL
    TEXTS : ?
14  MOVIES : HITCHCOCK :: TESTS : ?
15  DICE : CRIME :: PRICE : ?
16  LOLLIPOP : KOJAK :: JELLYBABY : ?
17  REINCARNATE AS HIMSELF WHILE FAT ONE BECOMES DONKEY : LAUREL
    :: BEATEN UP AND THROWN ALL OVER THE PLACE IN EACH OF HIS
    MOVIES - HARD ACT TO FOLLOW : ?
18  NAME : FELIX THE CAT :: SPECIES : ?
19  ATLANTIC : SPIRIT OF ST LOUIS :: OLYMPIC : ?
20  CONSCIOUS AFTER HOLDING BREATH 3 MINUTES 15 SECONDS AND
    RUNNING 1000 METER IN SAME TIME - BUT NOT AT THE SAME TIME
    : COOIJMANS :: CONSCIOUS AFTER METAL BAR THROUGH BRAIN : ?
21  THINK WHILE FIDDLING : HOLMES :: LECTURE WHILE MUSHROOMING
    : ?
22  IMPROVE SPEECH BY RECITING VERSES WHEN RUNNING OR OUT OF
    BREATH AND WITH PEBBLES IN MOUTH : DEMOSTHENES :: IMPROVE
    SPEED BY HOLDING BREATH AND KNEE BENDS WITH WIFE ON SHOUL-
    DERS : ?
23  ADDRESS : COUNT DRACULA :: INCITE TO COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOUR
    : ?
24  I SAY TO IT - BEND, BABY, BEND! : GELLER :: I HAVE A HALF-
    WARMED FISH IN MY MIND : ?
25  CURED : LOURDES :: HOSPITALIZATION BECAUSE OVERDOSED ON
    CULTURE AND ART : ?
26  SILLY WALK WITH WOODEN LEGS AND FINGER UNDER NOSE : CLEESE
    :: JUGGLE WITH INFLATABLE GLOBE IN OFFICE : ?
27  TRIUMPH OF DEATH : BRUEGEL :: ALWAYS D., ALWAYS SUFFER : ?
28  IMPROVE SPEECH BY RECITING VERSES WHEN RUNNING OR OUT OF
    BREATH AND WITH PEBBLES IN MOUTH : DEMOSTHENES :: IMPROVE
    PITCH SINGING SCHUBERT, DELIBERATELY ACCOMPANIED IN WRONG
    KEY BY ACOUSTICIAN FATHER : ?
29  EAR : VAN GOGH :: EYES : ?
30  IMPROVE SPEECH BY RECITING VERSES WHEN RUNNING OR OUT OF
    BREATH AND WITH PEBBLES IN MOUTH : DEMOSTHENES :: STUDY
    LAW, DELIBERATELY 'COUNTERACTED' BY BAILIFF FATHER : ?
31  WRITTEN : 1895 :: INVENTED : ?
32  MOON : NEIL ARMSTRONG :: MARS : ?
33  JEROME V MARTON : 2133 :: MIRTLE BURGON : ?
34  GRAZE : DIRECT HIT :: EARTH CROSSER : ?
35  FIRST : HOMER :: LAST : ?
36  DINOSAUR : YUCATÁN :: MAN : ?

                       END OF  ALL TESTS

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